I was ambitious signing up to do this India thing. It's alot of money for someone who buys a breakfast croissant as a birthday treat. But I knew God wanted me to do it. Within a day or so of me deciding it was too expensive, Amor bumped another £1000 off the trip fees and I was like: well, thanks God; there goes my reasoning. After that, the reasons against started falling away, and all I had left was a big tug on my soul that said go on; you know what you have to do.
So I made it work in my head. By saving a bunch of money each month, I could pay for it, and not even involve anyone else. I was all sorted.
Then mum wanted to do New York.
I'm not blaming it all on her. Obvs I'm not averse to a trip to the Big Apple. But she was adament about This Year. She wasn't waiting. And she wanted to do a week.
How the hell would I afford both? India was a once-in-a-lifetime for me. New York was a once-in-a-lifetime for mum.
Community. That was the answer. The only way it was possible was to rely on the people around me to support me for India, so I could take mum on her once-in-a-lifetime.
It doesn't come natural to me-- asking people to support me; to take from my friends. I want to be self-sufficient I guess; I don't want to look greedy or selfish. But what God reminded me of at the time, was that greed wasn't the point. The point was getting out of my comfort zone and relying on others. It was about being humble and asking; admitting a need and letting other people's generosity take over.
The world is so individual-focused. It's part of the reason trafficking exists: to fuel people's greed; to satisfy others' wants at the unwilling expense of someone else. It's individualism that lets us turn a blind eye to girls begging on corners, and not ask how they got there.
I believ God has a different vision of the world: one that puts community and redistribution and sharing at the centre. It goes something like this:
"All the believers were united in heart and mind. And they felt that what they owned was not their own, so they shared everything they had. ..There were no needy people among them, because those who owed land or horses would sell them and bring the monet to the spostles to give to those in need."-- Acts 4:32-25
So, long story short, that's the vision I've been trying to keep in my head as I prepare to go to India; as I try and raise all this money: humility, community and relationship.
People have been so generous it's insane. In 1 month my friends gave £600 to support little me heading off on a two-week trip to India. They cared, and that amazed me more than anything. Especially right now, when I'm living away from home and sometimes feel very alone. It amazed me that people cared enough to help me out. If I had genuinely stuck with raising my own funds, I would've totally missed that.
But in the last month or so, my vision's got kind of blurry. I've started to panic. The money i need has started mounting up, with all these extraneous things like the visa and jabs and bloody flight costs. I thought I was doing well, relying on God to get me through. But turns out, those monetary spanners in the works really threw me, and I started to disbelieve God would come through for me on this one. I guess we're all happy with God being in control up till a point. My point was that. I have £800 to raise in 3 weeks. That was my point.
I hadn't planned for that. There is no way I will have that money. I am broke in all senses of the word. I am out of options.
I've spent alot of time sulking in the last few weeks; panicking, freaking out, and being very very angry with God. Stupid git. What does He expect me to do? Sell a fucking kidney? I thought about cancelling, but then how would I pay back everyone's donations? Everyone would be so disappointed in me. I'd be so disappointed. And what a coward. Where had the faith gone?
AWOL, definitely. I was lost for ideas and, more than that, I was too dispirited to even have any. And all the while, everywhere I looked things were being thrown at me like:
"God is able" / "Believe God for good things." / "Let us go right into God's presense, fully trusting Him for good things"...
I was in no fucking mood, let me tell you. I was on full meltdown mode, and I had the energy to do was cry and throw stuff.
But then, even through my unbearable sulkiness, amazing things are happening. My friend Hannah organised her band to do a gig for me, for free. My friend Ric, absolute wonder that he is, wants to run a makeup masterclass and help me gig plan. When I nearly threw my laptop at the wall trying to design gig posters, Emma Haley said she'd help me out, and I have a whole theatre team who can help me find raffle prizes.
basically, God's not letting me have a word in edgeways. He's showing what He can do, by dis-empowering me in every way possible and putting the amazing power of relationship and community front and centre.
I'm still fucking terrified. It's ALOT of money and NO TIME and I'm nervy as hell. But we'll make it. By the skin of our teeth. Basically because I've butted my nose out and (grudgingly) left it in God's hands, and he's busy doing effortless miracles with amazing people He's surrounded me with.
Sometimes I think I'm good at getting out of my comfort zone, 'cos I do these things: go to far-flung places and experince these terrifying/horrific/beautiful things. But I guess my real comfort zone this time is relying on me to make things happen. Just me. And damn fuck I'm glad He's shaking me out of that mindset before I go to India. Because there's no way I'm going to manage dealing with the things I'm going to experience there on my strength alone.